Kurti (ghost_people) wrote in burning_man,

Well folks...burning man was the most incredible experience of my life. Its funny, I went into this thinking "this will be a great little vacation with some cool people right before school starts and I go back to normal life"...but what ended up happening changed my life in so many ways. Think I am being a little dramatic with the effect it had on me? Well...I'm not being dramatic. I seriously cant remember the last time I cried...but man, I fucking cried my 20 year old eyes out today. I was getting the rest of my shit out of the tent to pack up and then it hit me...I just started bawling my eyes out...tears just flowed, I had no control. I just kept thinking about how wonderful everyone had been to me, and how mundane normal life will seem once I leave this magical dry lake bed. I thought about how I took risks that I normally would have never taken, talked about things I would have never talked about at school, met people who would never be found around fucking conservative APU, and learned things that could not have been learned in any other circumstance. Then I stopped crying, finished packing, got in the car, and started crying again...and now it was out of control sobbing the entire 88 miles it took to get to the 80. I have never felt so many emotions at once. I just started missing people immediately after I left...even though I had only known them for a few days. God it was hard to leave.

I learned two very important things both about life and myself (well two that I can think of at this moment)...the first being that the only things I need to really be happy and content are: a roof over my head (even a leaky one is fine), a little food, a lot of water, and some of the greatest friends on earth...that's it...who needs fucking DVD collections, a $22,000 a year education, and a luxurious apartment?

The second thing I learned was that once something you used for direction is taken away from you, your whole life is in chaos. I felt this so strongly once the man was burned. I had used the man as a reference point for every camp I visited, every art piece I went to, and as soon as it was no longer there, I had no fucking clue where to go or what to see. Center Camp suddenly become this Atlantis-ian place, where finding it again was always a chore. So I guess what I got out of that was that I need to be prepared for sudden change...I cant put all security in one thing, because if that one thing should disappear, how would I find my way?

So yeah, this trip was the best thing in the world for me. As some of you may know, I wrote my own little journals on index cards, so here are some thoughts and stuff organized by date...I don't want to post all of them for personal and lack of interest reasons...so here you go

Aug 26:
When will the radical self-exploration begin and the self criticism end? Or is it necessary to TOTALLY be stripped down in order for the growing to being? I really don't know
I feel like I am not cool enough to be here. I know this isn't true, but still, I feel like I am being looked over due to normality.
A chess set made out of clay penises is a GENIUS idea. Way better than the porno-chic-lamp.
I am turning 20 in a few days. I think this is a great way to end my teen years, but I also feel that what I have done so far in life has been such a waste. I look at ALL of my friends and see that they are so much cooler/accomplished than I. I feel like I offer nothing.
I really want to have sex while I am here, but before this happens, I NEED to overcome a lot of personal insecurities. I don't know how to do this. I'm actually really scared.
This is a lot like the nude beaches in St. Maartin except for two overwhelming differences: 1. The people here are gorgeous...2. My parents aren't here.
Sex on the playa would make me feel like a playa'.
Why cant life be like Queer As Folk?
Pam, she really had me worried. She drank some sort of cherry drink mix that some guy gave to her and she passed out. It REALLY had me scared. I had some too, but only took a small sip. Luckily, some sweetie named Jamie helped us out. Pam is fine and sleeping now.

Aug 27:
Last night was out first night here. Pam is OK now. I realized life is like QAF. Both Pam and Ted passed out after having GHB. That must have been what the guy put in her drink.
I decided sex on the playa is not ideal for two reasons. 1. Too hot during the day and too cold at night...2. Too dusty.
How are you supposed to re-create yourself when you are afraid of the new product? I'm fucking cold.

Aug 28:
Its probably 230am...tonight was odd. I went to Temple of Atonement, where I watched a demonstration on fire, ice, wax, and electricity as sexual stimulants. While I was there I saw a BD/SM dungeon with people being whipped. QAF again?
Today we pretty much sat on out asses, but its cool because we are at burning man.
One thing is certain on this trip, I have definitely gotten more comfortable with nudity...not my own, but other's. Now I see a naked man/woman and its like "wow, cute penis/nipple decoration"

Aug 29:
Well, I am here, but Pam is not. She has been having health issues, so I took her to the airport in Reno. I left at 10 and got back at 5. Ice cream for ALL!!!

Aug 30:
Toad gave me some great advice..."If you want to drop all inhibitions, this is the place to do it." I realized he was TOTALLY right. So what will I do?
I now know all thoughts of sex will never come true here until I come to terms with an earlier post, and that is in order to recreate myself, I need to find ALL the characteristics I want to change in the old self.
I never knew the smell of pot before, but I know after this trip, I will always recognize it.
I'm SO...jump to 345am. Toad interrupted my entry. Interesting night. I took E on my B-Day and hung out with paradox, toad, and paul. It was SO fun, but I wont do any more until next year. I'll just make this a BM thing.

Aug 31:
Toad is such a cool guy. He has been the greatest guide anyone could ever ask for. I have a feeling a lot of my friends will be disappointed with my actions tonight, but I'm fine with that. I was as safe as safe can be. We all watched out for each other, and I made sure I would totally understand the effects that would happen to my body. Toad kept on eye out to make sure I was OK. Every step was like a dance. I gave a lot of hugs. I like giving toad hugs, he's really good at it. I told him I was gay tonight. Well, he asked while we were outside camp Jiffy Lube, so I told him the truth. He said camp JL was the camp for me, but I told him it wasn't, and that is something I realized throughout the week. It has been great talking with him. Its always fun talking to people with a similar religious background. He was going to be a minister. So yeah, cool guy. Now its 4 and I am WAY too tired to function. I will sleep so great tonight.
Holy fuck, I'm 20. I just realized this.
Its amazing, Toad and I only started hanging out 2 nights ago, but I feel like I could totally trust him with anything. He has been great to me and I super appreciate all that he has done to make this a great trip as well as a VERY memorable B-Day.

Well, that is it for now...if I can think of some more BM stuff, I will post it...I need everyone's addresses and LJ names who went this year...I went to send and exchange stuff, so let me know. Goodnight all.

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