November 5th, 2006

My first Decom as an intro to my first burn

My first Decom as an intro to my first burn:

I love my friends. Especially my 'stuffed animal', Ryan (a.k.a. Morrr). He always know when to find me; he saves me sometimes. He doesn't know he helped me save my life.

While my boyfriend ignored me for yet another week, after I decided to make no more excuses for him, my overwhelming frustration with society, loneliness, the waning magic in my life and the dimming of my spark, when I realized I was born at the wrong time on the wrong planet- I was ready to quit Earth.

But, I prayed to myself, "..just one more day..."

The next evening, I met up with Ryan at NYC Decom. My inner spark was insantly re-ignited.

The event helped me remember myself, helped me realize there is nothing wrong with me. My inner beauty poured out, everyone embraced it, and shared their love. Dancing is my yoga. Active meditation. I've received the best compiment anyone has ever given me in the history of my life, from Joey:

"Namaste. Thank you for being." Then he gave me a much-needed long, warm hug. There are no truer words that express to another person such appreciation of one's existence.

I was told, by many different people, about Burning Man. One of the things that touched me most was learning this: upon your arrival, the greeter leans into your car window and says, "Welcome home." Now, every time I think of that, every time I hear or see those two words, tears just fill my eyes. Because I know and understand. Last night I entered a converted warehouse that contaned a universe of all my childhood dreams. Fantastic creatures, lights, sounds, happiness, love... a perfect world. A pure place. I couldn't believe it was all real. My B-612. It was so familiar, it was like I've known everyone for several lifetimes. I felt like I was re-united with my family after so long, that I had almost forgotten. But I was not forgotten. My soul resonated with EVERYONE'S. They remembered Me and embraced me. I wasn't home. It was more a regional family reunion.

Ryan told me, what ever happened there stayed there. Meaning, if I were to hook up with someone, it would just be between myself and him. I chose not to couple with anyone. Instead, I collected hugs because it's what I needed most. I was hugged by cats, teddybears, unicorns, horses, jedi, faeries, pandas, GlamFabs, old friends, dancefloor people, and the people that ran the free-hug booth. A random girl even shared her glitter with me. I am lucky to have experienced what I've dreamt of so long ago as a child. It was all real. I am happy... happier knowing B-612 still is, knowing my needs and ways of being are not unusual, that I am not alone. There are people who can relate to me, accept me, appreciate me, and love me as I have (at one time) loved myself.. knowing this love exists outside of myself and within others.. and to be among them; to create, share, and love... it's worth continuing to live.

I'm going to Burning Man next year.
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