How to Enjoy the Burning Man Experience From the Comfort of Your Own Home
by Matt Alexander
* Reread Dhalgren by Samuel R. Delany. Reread The City Not Long After by Pat Murphy. Cut off the bindings, throw all the pages up in the air, and shuffle them back together. Reread The City After Dhalgren by Samuel Murphy. Burn it. Reread the ashes.
* Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, dance close naked, and say they have a lover back home.
* Pitch your tent next to the biggest speaker in a crowded, noisy club. Go to sleep.
* Drain all the water from your toilet. Vacuum it every three days. Hide all your toilet paper.
* Throw a sprawling, drunken, week long party. Spend the next five weeks meticulously cleaning every square inch of your house.
* Stack all your fans in one corner of your living room. Turn them on full. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.
* Sprinkle dirty sand in all your food.
* Bust your ass for a "community." See all the attention get focused on the drama queen
* Spend thousands of dollars on a deeply personal artwork. Hide it in a funhouse. Blow it up.
* Set up a DJ system downwind of a three-alarm fire. Play a short loop of drum'n'bass until the embers are cold.
* Have a 3 a.m. soul baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile, and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you're hallucinating. Lust after Bugs Bunny.