virginburn (virginburn) wrote in burning_man,

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Damn the Man - Save the Empire

It has been really hard for me to find the exact words I want to use to describe my first burning man experiance. This is what I ended up writting in my personal journal. Wanting to re post it here i realized it sounded a little cynical...then again I am a little cynical, but please don't get me wrong. I had an amazing experiance and even now I sit and long to be back on the playa, especially after reading other peoples experiances. I think I may have just been expecting too much.

There were moments when I was extacticly happy and I really felt like I was having the time of my life. There were also times of such crushing heartache and misery that I sat in my tent sobbing and wishing to whatever god is out there to please just let me implode in on myself.
"But how can you be sad at burning's the happiest place on earth"?
Fuck that! Black Rock is a city just like other and when thow in an already stressed relationship, harsh desert conditions, sleep dep and way too much alchol anything can happen.
You can find yourself walking through the hot coals of the burnt up man not to prove yourself or test yourself but just to see what is on the other side and how the fuck that chicken got there.
You can find yourself standing in the middle of a dust storm and relishing the absolute nothingness around you because you can't see black rock city or the 40 foot man, you can't see that absolute blanket of twinkling stars above you, you can't even see that person 5 feet in front of you and the emptiness of it all is comforting.
You can find yourself soaring down a 3 story zip line, or laughing till you fall down in a pillow fight club, scaling the walls of thunderdome or hitching a ride on a giant pirate ship to nowhere.
Mostly I found myself drunk.
and disapointed.

Talking to alot of the regular burners the fealing was definatly mutual. Something was off, something was missing and no one could actually pin point what that something really was. It was just like a wave of apathy that blew across the playa stronger than the 50 mlh dust storms.
Burning Man 2004 The Vault of Meh.

There was no spiritual awakening, no overwhelming sense of togetherness, sure I met some great people but that could happen anaywhere..I know lots of great people.
I don't feel any differnt about myself or the world for having gone, except for possibly a deeper aprication for the smaller things in life like hot running water and drainage systems, dust free clothes, bed, food, drink and those special little headbutts that my cat gives me.
Burning Man did not change my life.
It was one heck of a party though.
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