I wonder why?
Sept 8, 2006
I wonder why I cry when I get close, when I arrive. I wonder why I cry when I realize it is time to leave for Burning Man. ... These thoughts have run through my head for the last 6 times I have gone. There are times that I knew why, but never really analyzed it. I think because it was painful.
What would a world be if we had a community that shared each other? They hugged, invited strangers in to share food, drinks, laughter, and ideas? Do you ever wonder what it would be like if it were 100 years ago? 2oo years +? Many people lived miles apart, some close. But, when they needed help with cattle, tilling the soil, buggy rides into town, birthing, food, gardening, or whatever, did they not ask their neighbors? For the most part, yes. What would it be like if we had that sense of community now?
Do you long for the closeness, less crime, less drugs, less animosity, less abandonment? Don’t you wish that if you needed something your neighbors were there to help? Even if it was for just a drink of water or to rest, to eat something because your diabetes was acting up or your hunger got the best of you?
I realized most of my emotional roller coaster was due to the longing of such happenings. I ache because of my sadness that we, as a community, are not there to help. I ache because we do not know our neighbors, or because they sell drugs, beat their children, yell and fight, and just plain ignore each other when they pass us by. Do we reach out? Not really. Why? Are we afraid that we might get the cold shoulder, or get yelled at, or get a fake smile or hello? What are we afraid of nowadays? What is it that makes us so numb to what we truly are as a people, human?
Have you thought about this? I know I have. I cried yesterday because it hit me over the head like a brick. I finally organized it in my head, then opened up the folder in that little file box in my brain. WOW! THAT is what it was. This is why I cry from beginning to end.
I know when I left the playa this year, I started to cry before I left my campsite. I looked at my campmates and was sad that I was leaving those that I have befriended, depended upon, enjoyed thoroughly from the inside out. I met some wonderful people this year, family, like me. This is what I long for. Humans like them, like me. I felt welcome, needed, and appreciated, like we all desire whether we know it or not, or admit to it.
Every year I have gone, I have brought something back with me, something to change. I see things in a different light every time. I realize something new each time. I meet a new family each year. Each year, I have new family. Every year.
Do you wonder why we get emotional at the burn? It is a very powerful and / or emotional experience. My first year, the first thought that ran through my head was ‘that is sad, he burns and dies.’ But, that lasted for only a few minutes. ‘Why can’t I put my issues and negativities into the burn?’ I see it as a new beginning. A way to put forth our negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences into the fire and let it go. Start anew. Some Native Americans, some from other parts of the world believe that when you burn your loved one, or a symbol, it is a new beginning. They (their spirits) are released into the heavens, the skies to begin their new life. This is the beginning of a new life.
I heard a virgin behind me keep saying how sad it was. I wanted to turn to her and tell her to think of it differently. But, like myself, I did that on my own just by watching and feeling. A wonderful lady in our camp, Jupiter, cried. She apologized. I told her to don’t ever apologize. It is a powerful thing, emotional. More so that we could expect. I was blessed to be there to experience that with her. A young man just walked up to her and held her tightly. A stranger, a burner. They held on for quite awhile until she started to relax. They then split up, and she thanked him. THAT is what it is about. He felt her, and went right for her. How much more bonding can you get with a stranger? Now imagine what she went home with! She told me she has things to think about now. Oh how I know what she means.
When I get home from the burn, I get extremely tired, sad, sore, lonely, ill. This is my entrance into the "other" world we live in. My decompression is to just decompress. To let what ever it is in my body release and then go on and I will cry off and on for the year now. I will remember my family, friends and experiences that made MY burn, mine. I will remember.
Those of you I met, I do hope to see you there next year, to live in "our" world again, even if it is only for a short time.
Ms Kitty or Kitty
You have been invited to visit a photo album PS> the dark videos are of me, drunk. I don't drink much often, so I was looped.. http://s60.photobucket.com/albums/h6/kittykreations/B%20Man%202006/