Jacqui (jacqui) wrote in burning_man,
Jacqui
jacqui
burning_man

I'm sick of watching the television, but I can't seem to stop. I feel paralyzed in a way. I can't get myself to move or do anything. I haven't left the house all day. I keep crying and staring agape at the television.

All those dear people. Such horrible, terrible, frightening loss. I want to help. I want to fly to New York and cuddle people and wipe away tears. I just can't stop crying.

My assistant Noemi asked me if I had seen the shots of people jumping out of the windows and I said, "No," then I stupidly took her advice and turned on our biggest Spanish language channel and saw close ups of people jumping to their deaths, their bodies flailing, and flipping, end over end, plummeting to their deaths. I feel so sick. I feel impotent and sick.

I think about those people on the planes who knew they were heading for buildings, what must that have been like for them? I think about people who were trapped in the upper floors of the building yet still in contact with loved ones outside via telephones or computer who suddenly went down when the buildings did. Or the correspondent on Larry King who was talking on her cell phone to her husband as her plane dove into the Pentagon.

I think about that woman I saw in Palestine, laughing and smiling, making victory signs and saying, lulululululul. I want to hate her for her monmumental stupidity, her brutal cruelty, and ignorance in the face of such tragedy, and I know I cannot. How can I know what it feels like to be her, to have lived through years of what we are experiencing only today? Why does she hate us so much when I can't bring myself to hate her.

I'm just so so unbelievably sorry for all of the people affected by this, for the people who have died and are injured, for all of the people who have lost someone they loved, or someone they only knew in passing.

I have to go pick up the kids at school. I wonder what questions they will ask. I wonder how I should handle this for their sake. I am having such a hard time moving, I feel leaden, and sick sick sick.

I love you,
jacqui
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